Big empty

For the last two years, I've been working on this project at work.  Lots of headaches, lots of time spent, but it's finally been closed today.  And for now that it's no longer lingering, I'm listening to Big Empty in my head.

This is also the first full week I haven't really been a supervisor in at least 8 years.  It's a weird feeling, and if I thought work was busy before and unless someone grabbed me for lunch at lunch, it wouldn't happen until between 2 and 4 pm.

It's 2am and I'm finally done with prep work for tomorrow.  Time to have that cup of organic green tea and just chill for the few seconds to drink it.

Today, Emma and I listened to Lorde and the CDs I got when we all went to the renaissance festival.  What can I say? I like music that sounds like gypsies and Irish and whatever else.

It's been a week...and again it's a Friday morning I find myself awake and listless.  For similar yet different reasons of a big empty.  They asked me how I felt about it and truthfully, I haven't come to terms yet.  I've known these guys for the 6 years I've been here so far, and in one say, not anymore.  The folks I would spend my lunch with, share some laughs, invite to our wedding, Emma's baby shower, first birthdays.  It's probably trivial to others and they may not care.  I guess that's a way to look at it, but I'm here.  I'm here in an industry that is in life support and I'm hanging on too, for dear life.  I didnt realize how much of a control freak I was until I started making my place here, and I think one of my fears is the lack of control of a situation.  I'm not afraid of being in a Ferris wheel, I'm anxious that I do not have full control of that Ferris wheel.  I can control how hard I'll push myself at work, but I have no control over decisions made about me.

I had a career path, and it got chilled, and now it's totally something different and as to what I don't know.  All I know is, I'll do whatever is asked.  Move furniture, write paper, do support, whatever.  But I'm still going to have to wait until I get told what's to be.  So not luxurious hair.

So yeah...sometimes the only control I feel i have is a small screen with little soldiers going to a mine.  And pandora is on the background playing stone temple pilots or something on the nirvana station.  It's a little happy place away from a big empty.