knock on the door

i always wondered what it'd be like, ya know. would it have been a knock on the door? would i have been 40? huh. actually, no, it wasn't. more like 34 and some change. wasn't a knock on the door. wasn't what i expected because one of the people I wanted to share it with wouldn't be around. would i have been angry? would i have been welcoming? what would it have been like? different scenario between the what if's, and the actually's. i was angry. but not for the reason. i wasn't really welcoming. but i was sharing a loss. it wasn't what i expected. so the tally keeps going. another year will pass. when would I actually say anything to Jiggy? when would I have a dialogue with Gene? i have no fucking idea why i even googled them. but i did save some pictures so I can one day share them with Emma. She's a bright kid, and yeah, one day, when she's old enough. She and Mary will definitely get to see Nicole, Tita Jenny, Tito Tilly, the girls, Ninang Ish, Aldin, Jacky, and Mico... 3am. bittersweet. thinking of Uncle Gerry, hoping everyone in the PI's ok, and of a nice future I can introduce Mary and Emma to everyone in person. thinking of when i'll actually just do the usual to all things, say fuck it, and just ...whatever, you know? no hate, really. just a whatever. anyway. back to the now.